Hi Tom, it's Bob from the office down the hall.....

Hey Tom, my man!

You know sometimes you come across obstacles in life that you just have to work around somehow? You can chew your way through them, or lurch about in the vain hope that, you know, something will just come up. There are times, however, that getting some quality face time and having a good chat works wonders. I find that, when I'm feeling ravenous and just have to nip out a get a bit to eat, just talking about it generally solves the problem a lot of the time. Of course, this isn't universally true. Some people just don't have the stomach, or brains (and it's always wise to avoid those sorts!), for a good heart to heart. Others, sadly, feel that talking is overrated and would prefer a more pro-active approach to dining.

Me, I'm a talker. Sure, I could just follow the trend, just take what I need and hope not to lose too many limbs in the process, but I feel it's important to cultivate the old brain functions, especially now, as, well, I'm in an advancing state of decay. Being a Zombie isn't all the fun lurching and groaning that it's cracked up to be and, to be very honest with you, I kinda miss mobility in my knees. You just don't appreciate the little things you've got until you dont have them any more, right!?

Hey, do you remember the fun we used to have chasing Cheryl and Bonnie from the secretary pool into the broom cupboards after late meetings? Man, that was a hoot! I don't get those urges any more, all interest in that kinda "dropped off" a couple of weeks back, if you get my drift. Still, I did get to chase Cheryl and Bonnie from the secretary pool into the broom cupboards again a few days ago, so it being a Zombie's not all bad. Cheryl is around here somewhere.... oh yes, she's over there, chewing on the doors.

Look Tom, I'm not going to lie to you: this is probably going to end badly. At some point, some intelligent life-challenged being with a few more remaining appendages than most is going to mention that the doors to the mall are not edible and we can still drive a truck through them. I'm sure we can find a few desperate, brain-starved fellows to soak up whatever resistance you've all got waiting for us inside that mall. No matter how you cut it, you're all going to die screaming.

We're at an impasse here, maybe we should compromise: If you open up the doors, we'll all come inside and eat your brains..........

 
 

Yesterday Balthor Bob turned up in my mailbox.

Since then I've been riffing on Zombies and surprising myself at the number of common and uncommon Zombies I don't own. I'm positive I had a fistful of Gempalm Polluters and Nantuko Husks but, as it turns out, I had neither. I'm even thankful for the Phyrexia Vs Coalition duel decks for the sole copy of Carrion Feeder in my collection. Don't ask me what a Scourge common has to do with Phyrexia (apart from it being the last set based on Dominaria until Time Spiral though long after the Phyrexian timeline was supposed to have ended) but I'm glad they included one anyway. Right now, I have a full Peasant EDH deck and a pile of cards that still need to go into the deck about this high:

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You see, it's not easy trying to decide which of Exhume or Stitch Together is more "Zombie". Scathe Zombies, as the Ur-Zombie [that's first ever zombie creature in this here game here] is in there with a pile of other lurchers but, in reality, they are all just filler because being a Zombie isn't just about lurching across the table for some brain-munching goodness while whistling a tuneful little ditty by Jonathan Coulton, no siiiirrrr-E, Zombies gotta be clever now, and part of "clever" is knowing how to work together. That takes organisation which, let's be honest, is not a department your average horde of zombies is generally overabundantly blessed in.

Luckily for us, our lurching legions of vitally challenged have two big hitters in Noxious Ghoul and Vengeful Dead. These guys are the real deal. They are the ones we wheel out at the end of the movies when the hero looks like he's going to get one-up on the home team and all hope seems lost. I am, of course, talking about Zombie movies, not "zombie" movies here. Hell, we even grafted a few extra limbs to these guys so that, when stuff starts falling off, they just keep on truckin'! 

Nox and VD are like the one-two punch, the jab and the round-house, get's them coming and going, the proverbial ripping-your-arm-off and thrashing-you-around-the-head-with-it. Whenever Nox or any fellow crumbly (I gotta stop calling everyone a crumbly, it gets them all riled up!) comes on the battlefield, a little bit of shock and awe gets spread around. Sometimes you get smaller critters falling outta trees or suchlike when it's only 1 or two but with a whole crowd, everyone else just pretty much gets the Thriller treatment.

An aside on Michael J, Mr. Thriller Killer himself, that dude is so lucky he didn't join the legions. Just last week I walked past a TV store, they had left Thriller on repeat: I almost didn't get away. That damn tune must have dragged hundreds of vitally challenged into it's trap. Dancing & losely attached body parts is not a good combination, I can tell you! There were crumbly bits everywhere! Luckily someone finally, but inadvertantly, put a femur through the screen from 20 yards away. Bob only knows what the carnage would have been like had it gone on much longer. Still, got myself a couple of spares of important appendages so it wasn't a total loss.....

Vengeful Dead is pretty much the incarnation of getting pissed at livings trying to put us down. You can do it I suppose, but you're sure as hell going to pay for it! Put Nox up front and VD at the back, you've got a team! Bob says he can bring them both back whenever so all they have to do is bring friends and make sure they don't get caught in the open. Luckily, Bob was able to put us in touch with Phyrexian Ghoul, Carrion Feeder and Nantuko Husk. These guys are the business when it comes to duck and cover and the inconvenient "dying" part? Well, what do we care, we're Zombies! Another advantage of the sacrifice trio is that they pull a bit of the heat away from everyone else, VD and Nox excepted, because they have to be blocked or everyone's going to take a quick dirt nap to beef them up. Bring in Bob and place your setting in a lot of swampland and you've got the makings of a Zombiewood classic: "Bob may be a Zombie Dwarf but he doesn't need a step-ladder to kick your ass!" As a movie title, it probably could be a little sharper, but it communicates the theme pretty well.

That's pretty much the main thrust of our plan to eat your brains. Other Zombies are involved at different levels of the organisation.

But they're just crumblies, not real Zombies!